As a rule, man's a fool.
Wanting hot when it's cool.
Wanting cool when it's hot.
Always wanting what is not.
Never wanting what he's got.
I think I'm playing the fool here. I'm not sure why things seem hard right now. There's no real "reason" but sometimes it is hard. And I think it's important to acknowledge that life isn't always roses and chocolate. I know the blessings are there, and they are so obvious! But sometimes, sometimes, other feelings creep in, the reminder that while we are so blessed with the experiences we have, they are not the ones I dreamed of.
I walked into Wal-Mart the other day and front and center saw this incredibly cute musical bath toy. How fun! And then I remembered, bath time doesn't involve toys for Aaron, at least not ones like that. In fact, most of his "baths" are bed baths. See, he really doesn't get dirty, and each bath in the tub has to be carefully done in order not to drown him. He doesn't sit up well on his own, so toys like this just won't work.
Then it seemed like every single corner I went around had someone with a toddler. Some were happy, some were cranky. Moms were interacting or distracted. And I can't COUNT the times I wished I could have just left whichever toddler I had at home while I did my shopping. We always (or at least usually) tried to make the best of it, but frankly, shopping with a two-year-old doesn't make for the most calm, pleasant experience. But Friday, on Friday, I was sad because my two-year-old will not be going to Wal-Mart with Mommy. We won't ever share that experience. And missing that normalcy was hard that day.
But we did have a fun "first" yesterday. I got to take a nap with Aaron in his bed. I've always napped with my two-year-olds. Practicality, you know. They needed a nap, they didn't want a nap. It was simply self-preservation on so many levels. With his new big bed, I climbed right in with him. He was already asleep, but he smiled the cutest little smile when I climbed in and snuggled up to him. We both needed this.
We also got to go to a Hopekids movie yesterday. On the way up, I was remembering where we were a year ago, and some of the families I got to know. I was thinking in particular about a little boy with Downs Syndrome who was also fighting leukemia. He had to have a portion of his lung removed because of a fungal infection. He was on the upswing when we were discharged but I know how hard a winter can be on someone who is already so compromised. We got to the theater and just after we sat down, I saw him and his mom! He was looking so good, still on oxygen, but obviously not in the PICU!
So along with the cold, dark feelings, there have been some wonderful bight, warm spots as well. I don't do as well when it's cold and dark outside, so I'll cling to those good things and try to remember to count my blessings, at least as far as I can. See, I've been given so many, I don't think there are numbers enough to name them all. And it's through the opposing experiences that I learn to recognize the good.