I feel like I'm drifting, or something...
I'm looking at life as it passes by, but somehow not participating, or numb, or... I don't know.
I mean, I go to work and I think I'm doing good things there. I go to church, and to the temple with Daddy. But I find myself easily distracted, unfocused, and wanting to just leave. Not that there's anywhere else I really want to go, just not where I am. It's been a long time since I attended the temple with any regularity because I just wasn't comfortable being where no one could reach me the last few years of your life.
Your life...
It was a good one. A really good one.
Fourteen years ago you hit 100 days. 100 days of love and light. And ultimately you blessed us with over 4000 more.
Now, tomorrow marks nine months since you left.
Nine months...
The average gestation of pregnancy. But there is no joyful arrival to anticipate. At least not on this side of heaven. Instead, it's more time without you. More going through the motions, and I guess the emotions too, except those don't have the color they used to. The world seems so gray.
This week challenged me in other ways. I found myself reliving old memories (yeah, again, no surprise) and sobbing over the lack of future ones.
It's been 39 weeks yesterday, nine months tomorrow. So many more to go before I hold you again.
I miss you.
Love,
Mama
“I was just numb all over, like a dead man walking.”
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