Cha-cha?

Dear Aaron,

Step forward, step back. I always prefered quickstep to cha-cha. This has been (and continues to be) hard!

No, not hard like you did it. But again, I think I'm a wimp, and it's hard for me. 

I did make it home on Tuesday, the last time I wrote you, but I was a weak as a newborn kitten. I couldn't walk from one end of the house to the other without sitting down to rest. And then standing up again was another battle. Two to three naps (long ones) per day. I was finally able to shower on Thursday with the help of a shower chair but made sure someone knew I was in the shower so they could help if I ran into trouble. I didn't, but I also went right back to bed after. 

I was however, doing a little better every day. I've never been sick before where I could tell a difference from day to day. That continued until about Tuesday. Then my (left) shoulder hurt. Wednesday morning I woke up with a left-sided backache that took my breath (yeah, that I'm still struggling with) away. Sigh...

I had quit taking Tylenol and ibuprofen on Sunday. This was totally new. Hauled myself to the doctor who ordered a CT scan stat, and there was good and not as good news. Pneumonia has largely (but not completely) resolved. And I have a small subpulmonic effusion. 

Why didn't I remember that all those times you struggled, they'd turn you so your "bad side" was up? Why do I always lay on my left side? Where is the residual pneumonia and effusion? Yep, left side. 

So back on pain meds, using a heating pad, watching my sats (which are generally fine) and feeling crummy and exhausted all over again. Filed for short-term disability and still not back to work. Hoping that when the pain is under control, I can start doing some telehealth sessions from home, but we'll see. 

I can tell I'm sick because I'm not leaving the house much and I'm not going stir crazy.

How did you do this over and over and over? 

On a positive side (I guess?) I'm actually not missing you as much as usual. I dream about you frequently. Apparently, vivid dreams and nightmares can be a side effect of sepsis. I don't think I've had nightmares, maybe because I've already lived one. But I have incredibly realistic dreams of being with you.  

A few nights ago, I dreamed you were dancing on my lap in my arms, and then snuggled in close and fell asleep. You would have been about two or three. Then the next night, I dreamed I was trying to put together your vent circuit. I recognized that it had been a while, but muscle memory took over and I got it, and you laughed at me from your wheelchair. 

Sometimes I begin to wonder if I'm napping to spend time with you as much as I'm napping to recover. 

Oh, I miss you!! 

Please keep coming to see me in my dreams...

Love,
Mama

"I think the truly natural things are dreams, which nature can’t touch with decay."

– Bob Dylan