Rough week, rough two weeks.
And today is Bereaved Mother's Day.
I know why this week hurts; I'm less sure about why the previous one did. But I've cried more the last two weeks than I have in a long time.
And it seems to have gotten to me physically as well.
So a week ago was the annual Primary's Memorial Service. I got to see an old friend there. Somehow I hadn't put together Dr. Chief Medical Officer with Dr. Friend from the PICU until she walked in. I miss those relationships!! Losing you didn't just mean losing you. It meant losing people I'd grown to know and value and even cherish. To hear her talk about you, to say that you still are frequently referred to in the PICU, that when she sees a green Posey bed her first thought is that you're back, and the second is that no you're not....
Well, that hit deep in my Mama heart. To know that you made such an impact on the people there means so much, and I treasure that.
Then Tuesday I learned that Leila is playing with you and all the rest of your friends in heaven. I remember when she was born, when her NICU told her mom that it was futile and it was time to turn off the ventilator and let her go at 35 weeks gestational age! Mom asked me what I thought and I told her to go back and tell them that as long as she was a preemie, to treat her like a preemie. And when she wasn't anymore, then other discussions could be had, but not until then.
I used the poem Aunt Chelle wrote for your homecoming and made a poster for her when she came home. She was feisty and fiery, and her parents were no less amazing. We got to meet at the SOFT Conference in 2015. And at 14 years and 4 months, she danced through heaven's gates.
On Friday, Daddy and I went to Westlake's ballroom concert. One of the final numbers was the "How to Train Your Dragon" medley. In the middle, one of the dancers falls slowly and the company gathers around mourning. There is a single loud beat, which symbolizes his heartbeat stopping. Your Jonny choreographed that part in memory of you. After the first time they danced that number at a competition last year, he told the dancers the meaning of that part. Friday was the last time that will be danced. My video isn't the best, but I keep watching it over and over.
Don't get me wrong. They've taken amazing care of me here, really. But oh...
I'm glad to be heading home.
I just wish you were there.
I was looking at the mold of our hands while dusting last week, and I couldn't quite feel yours in mine as clearly. That hurt. But I know you're still with me.
I miss you.
Love,
Mama
