40 Weeks

Dear Aaron,

It's been 40 weeks. 

40 weeks is considered the average gestation for a baby.

Christ spent 40 days in the wilderness

It rained for 40 days while Noah and his family were on the ark (although it was a lot longer before dry land appeared). 

Moses was on Sinai for 40 days and returned with the Commandments. And this was after he spent 40 years in the wilderness himself.

Forty seems to be significant in scripture.

Some have suggested that it symbolizes a testing period. 

Somehow, I don't think my test is over yet. I mean, you're still gone. You're going to stay gone. I haven't dreamed of you for what seems like ages. 

I drove past your school a few times this past week and I got to wondering about last year. Last fall was really hard on you. It seemed I was constantly texting your bus driver that you had a rough night and weren't going to school. Or that you were back in the hospital and weren't going to school.  

You had a really good run of eight weeks over the summer and I thought maybe you would be getting stronger, but then school started, the days got colder and darker, and so did your health. 

I struggle with this time of year anyway, and now the memories of last year intrude. 

I tried to figure out how many days you went to school last year, and I know I'm counting some school days when you were at home anyway because I didn't record those as carefully.  

There weren't very many. 

Three in August, 13 in September, nine in October, four in November, and I think six in December.

Thirty-five days in all. Out of 85 school days total. And like I said, I know I'm counting some that you weren't there for anyway. 

Aaron, I don't really like fall. The days get darker and colder, drearier. Winter I can hunker down more, but fall feels deceptive. It can look warm but still be cold. Or the other way around (sometimes).  And at least in the winter, by the time the snow and cold really get here, the days are beginning to lengthen. Right now it's just shorter and shorter and shorter. 

Kinda struggling here, Aaron. The days keep reminding me of all the time we spent in the hospital, days where I would drive an hour to get to work and then back again to sleep next to you. Lab reports, x-rays, CT scans, and rounds. Sixty-one days in the hospital between when school started and when you left us. Five different admissions. We, you and I, spent most of last fall up at Primary's. 

And you didn't come home the last time. 

I had to do that without you.

I'm still not sure how I managed to walk out and leave you. 

Truely, the hardest thing I have ever, ever had to do, and close behind it was closing your casket, knowing I would not see your face again in my lifetime. 

Oh, Aaron, I'll keep trying but sometimes it's really just, so, hard.

I miss you, miss you so much.

Love, 
Mama

"They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite."

— Cassandra Clare