1000 Days...

Dear Aaron,

March 9th, 2013 I posted "1000 Days of Love."

I went through your first 1000 days, 100 days at a time, and made a video for you.

By 1000 days of life, we had settled into a routine. 

And I guess the same can be said for 1000 days of loss. 

I still miss you.

I always will. 

That will never change.

But I no longer listen for your alarms, or rush home as soon as my work day is over. I do still go by your grave every night. That too has become part of my routine. 

Last week, I found more bags of your ventilator water. Not many, but a few, forgotten in the drawer where I stashed them for easy access. They're now gone too. 

I have songs running through my mind: "(It's Gonna Be) Okay" by Piano Guys, and "The Hands of Time" from Brian's Song. The first was Michael's favorite, and my theme song for my life for so many years. I just couldn't listen to it after you left. I felt like it had all fallen through, the walls had come down, and I was all - tapped - out. But now... Well, maybe I'm learning to breathe again. I know you'd want me to. There are good things. And yeah, somehow, some way, it will be okay.

And then "The Hands of Time." I hadn't thought of that song in years but was reminded of it through someone's comment on Sunday night. I used to sing it while playing the piano, like all the time. It took just a brief reminder before I remembered it all.  

If the hands of time were hands that I could hold,
I'd keep them warm and in my hands,
They'd not turn cold.

Hand in hand we'd choose the moments that should last,
The lovely moments that should have no future and no past!
The summer from the top of a swing,
The comfort and the sound of a lullaby,
The innocence of leaves in the spring,
But most of the moments when love first touched me.

All the happy days would never learn to fly,
Until the hands of time would choose to wave good-bye!

And oh, I wish I could hold the hands of time, freeze time, hold you again, just one more time, see you swinging, laughing with your brothers, cuddling with Daddy. I miss the innocence of the day 1001 days ago, when I couldn't even imagine you not coming home.

But then I read back over some of my posts the last 22 months of your life, and maybe I did know... deep inside. I wondered how much longer you would hold on. But I couldn't imagine life without you. You had woven so tightly, so intricately, into the fabric of my life, my own breath.

It is said that 1000 days makes you a beginner, but it takes 10,000 days to make you an expert. By the time you are gone 10,000 days, I will be approaching my 82nd birthday. Maybe by then we'll be together again, or shortly after. 

Maybe....

In the meantime, I'll keep going, keep trying, keep loving you and the rest of the family.

And keep missing you.

Love you, kiddo. 

Love,
Mama

“One becomes a beginner after 1000 days of training.
One becomes a master after 10,000 days of practice.”

Mas Oyama