There's Snow on your Grave

Two weeks ago about 5 am, I left the hospital as a mom for the last time, without you, left you behind. (How does that sentence even exist?) Joseph and Sarah had gone earlier with your wheelchair and your minivan. I cannot say how much that meant to me. I was already broken. Steering your empty chair out and securing it in the car was more than I could bear. 

One week ago, I placed your weighted blanket over you one last time and Daddy and I closed your casket. 

Today, we took flowers to your site. It snowed yesterday and when we got there, most of the previous ones were covered with snow, with small pieces peeking out through the white blanket. But the spray at the head of your place was still standing. I worried that it would have been blown over. 

Holli came by today with some of your school things. She misses you so much, too. She cared for you for more than seven years, at your side at school and then at home when I was at work or school. She was so much more than your nurse, more like a bonus mom.

There is so little I can still do for you, but I can place flowers so your grave is beautiful. 

Tonight, Daddy and I started working on your headstone. I want it to be perfect, to reflect your joy and our love for you.

Love you, my little man. I miss you. 

“Tears are words that need to be written” 

~ Paulo Coelho