Kinda Brittle, Pretty Broken

Dear Aaron,

Hey kiddo, have to say, I'm feeling kinda brittle right now. 

I'm tired, physically, emotionally, mentally. There's "stuff" at work that's hard. It's dark. It's cold. I miss you!

I'm afraid I feel ineffectual. I mean, I know I'm not completely, but sometimes it's like I'm spinning my wheels, or maybe not even doing that, just slogging.

Gramma has been with you for four weeks now, four weeks yesterday. You've been gone almost 55 weeks (yeah, my brain still counts the weeks). 

I think you being gone starts to feel normal (whatever that is) and that scares me too! 

I don't want to forget. I don't want this new normal. I want you back!! I want Mama back. I wanted so badly to reach out and call her tonight. There were some things that were overwhelming and hard and I just needed to hear her voice.

And it's gone, like yours. 

So I try to hold it all together, and somehow I break anyway. 

You know, not every day hurts this bad any more, not even most of them. But sometimes, sometimes the tsunami still comes and sends me tossing, head over heels, tumbling through the darkness, alone, in pain. 

I mean, that's the thing about pain; it's so individual, so personal, and so isolating. 

I just feel so alone...

Please come visit me.

Please...

Love,
Mama

"Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim."

Vicki Harrison