How Do I Write It, What Do I Write?

Dear Aaron,

How do you write final words for someone? 

I mean, I guess I did for you, but honestly, that one was started and edited a few times over the years. In the end, at the end, all I did was add in some details. 

But Mama....

Well, she lived a lot longer than you did, and I'm struggling to find the words for her obituary. I feel like I could write a novel and not get it right. 

Last night was the Christmas concert. Do you remember when you came? Were you there? I hoped to feel Mama and struggled because I couldn't. I stood with Julianne Rowley and I know tender feelings were hard for her as well. Her mom always sang with us and she went Home in September. This was the first time without her. We went through most of the concert, and it felt good, but I was missing that spark I've felt before while singing. 

And then it happened, for both of us. 

During "For Unto Us a Child is Born" I was overwhelmed with emotion. She was there; I felt her. Following that was "Good Christian Men, Rejoice!" It's a good thing I knew my music; I couldn't see it.  At least I could still see Marvin so I knew when to come in and cut off. "Christ was born for this, Christ was born for this." "Now ye need not fear the grave; Jesus Christ was born to save!"

Yes, I know He was, and I am so grateful. And at the same time, oh, I miss you and I miss her. 

Aaron, be close. It's been a long time since I felt you near. I wonder if you always are, and I just don't know what it feels like for you to be completely gone. But I can't see you, and I don't hear you, and I don't take care of you anymore...

I miss you so much. I miss Mama. And it's been 21 years earlier this month since my Grandpa Brown died and 13 years since Nana and Papa were buried in Arlington. December. Is. Hard!

And beautiful, because of hope, because of Him. Both hard and beautiful at the same time.

I'll keep going. I can see your smile encouraging me; I can hear Mama saying, "of course you will." 

Love you so much...

Love,
Mama

"And Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection and the life;
he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live."

John 11:25