Have you been watching Matthew dance this week? He's pretty amazing! We went tonight and I wore a mask and didn't hug him after. Whatever it is I've got is pretty miserable, but it's not Covid (I've tested a few times) and it came on way too slow to be flu, but yuck. I really don't want to spread it.
Anyway, it was so fun watching him. I love watching you kids have fun whether dancing or playing sports or just laughing together. And you had some of the best laughs! Were you there watching too? You loved going to ballroom competitions and grooving to the beat. One coach said he thought you had better rhythm than some of his dancers, and I bet you really would have gotten into these songs.
Today, I also transcribed my talk from your funeral, and Michael's life sketch. Oh baby, I miss you. And I miss the me I was before you went. Now I'm not even quite sure what's changed, but I know I have. Maybe one of these days I'll put that into your blog so it doesn't get lost.
The house is quiet now, and as I came into your room tonight, it looks so big. Even the entryway looks bigger because your wheelchair and all the plugs for your equipment are gone. I mean, they have been for several weeks now, but still it kinda catches me by surprise.
I actually am doing pretty well, as long as I don't think about all the months and years before I see you again. That part still guts me and rips me open. So I try not to think that far ahead, just focus on getting through each day, breath by breath.
Facebook pops up with memories each day. Some are hard, like the one from two years ago, when we almost lost you and your decline started in earnest. Others are kinda funny. In 2019 I wrote about "My Vegetable" (you can click the link to read it) because that's what a lot of parents are told will be their child's reality. I finished that one by saying that you were definitely not a vegetable. You might be a nut, but not a vegetable.
You were so full of life, of love, of laughter. Those memories make me smile through my tears. I walk down memory lane and you're alive again, if only in my heart.
Love you, little man.
Miss you, too.