Wednesday, December 27, 2023

I Miss You

This feels so strange.

Time moves too fast, but I feel like I'm slogging through molasses. Tomorrow Daddy and I will do hand molds and dress you one last time. This is by far the longest I've ever gone without seeing you, and there are only a couple more opportunities. I can't even wrap my head around that. I'm not ready to close that casket. I don't want this weekend to come.

The fact that you're gone really isn't ever far from my mind, but the muscle memory is something else. It got a bit busy right at dinner time and I went towards my bedroom to quickly do something and then as I was heading back to the kitchen, I started to veer to the left to check on you. It wasn't even a conscious thought, until I realized what I was doing. I find myself noticing the clock at 1 and 7 pm, right when you needed several meds and treatments, and my body starts to shift towards your room. 

Oh my baby, my heart hurts so bad. I know you're happy, you're free, you can run and play. There are no needles, no weak limbs, no low muscle tone to prevent you from talking, singing. You're perfect now. 

But you were pretty awesome the way you were before. 

It's a freedom I occasionally thought about, but knowing what it would take to achieve it, never wanted.  

You were ready. Even as I go through your pictures to prepare your slideshow, I can see it. It's in your eyes, and in your smile. Oh, your smile is still there, but it's tired, weary.  And now you're free. Fly high, my little one. Mama loves you more than you can ever know. 

"You'll always be with me, like a handprint upon my heart."
Stephen Schwartz

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