Because Love...

Because Love...

Dear Aaron,

Trisomy awareness -- Because love... 

Because love, you came.

Because love, you stayed.

Because love, we learned and grew and became more.

Because love, we held on tight.

Because love, we let you go.

Because love, we hurt and grieve, and have faith that we will be together again.

Because love, there is no end, no permanent goodbyes.

Because love, you are always part of us, and we are part of you.

Because love, I keep your memory alive.

Because love, I didn't give up, and I won't give up now.

Because love, grief and love, pain and joy, life and death, and love forever.

Tomorrow is March 18 -- Trisomy 18 Awareness Day. And I haven't even written to you yet this month.

Spring is here, at least it seems to be but this is Utah so who really knows. 

I sit outside on the patio and see tulips coming up, pansies blooming. In my mind, I plan the flowers to plant. 

The rainbows shine on my walls again and in the car as the sun hits the crystal hanging in my window and from the rearview mirror.

Sweet Baby R was given her name and blessing ten days ago, and Baby M joined the family a few days earlier. I wish Matthew and Kensey weren't so far away, but it did my soul good to hold Baby R as she snuggled in and slept. Something inside of me healed, just a little bit, and I was at peace.

This is weird, Aaron. I don't know what I'm doing. Often I feel numb, or that the ache has buried itself deep in my bones, my soul. 

I still find myself masking and the mask depends on my relationship with people. I don't want anyone to think I'm wallowing in misery all the time because I'm not. 

Those who have lived (if we do actually live) through child loss get it in a way that others cannot. Even in the pictures I choose for Facebook reflects the different relationships. For my"normal" one, it's you and me grinning at each other after one of your dance festivals. For the medical one, I rest my cheek on your head, close my eyes, and hold onto the sensation of having you in my arms.

Both are true and also masks, reflections, but...  well...  different, I guess.

It's almost time for the hummingbirds, for the solar lantern, to refresh your garden. Spring is here, summer is coming. New life, sunshine, warmth.

I hope it warms me, too. 

I miss you.

I love you. 

I'll wear blue tomorrow for you (even though you prefered red).

Love,
Mama

"Because of Him, guilt becomes peace, regret becomes relief, and despair becomes hope,"

President Russell M. Nelson