Your birthday is approaching. The weather is warm, sunny, and it stays light until about 9 at night. AND it's light when I wake, too.
I do better in the warm, the light.
But there was something else, too.
I wrote about finding the butterflies destroyed at your spot. Oh, that hurt. A few friends offered to help me put more out, but I have to find the "safe" place I put them. Sigh...
So anyway, on Monday when I stopped, I could tell there had been a change.
I got out of the car to water the flowers and look closer.
Butterflies. More and more butterflies!!
I have no idea who did this, but someone, or maybe a few someones, came by and left so many.
I cried again, but this time was an overwhelming sense of care, of love. This is the kind of community we live in. I guess that's part of why the destruction hurt so badly. I didn't expect it here. I see lots of mementos left, lovingly placed, and not bothered at all.
And your butterflies, the ones that we've put out since you left almost 18 months ago, they had never been bothered.
And my mama heart cried out in gratitude when I saw your beautiful place.
You know what else I did? Today I actually listened to "Okay" again. Man, I played that song constantly over the years, for you, for me. Singing it at the top of my lungs, music blaring from the speakers, reminding myself, giving myself courage to continue to fight for you.And then, when you left and I was so lost, I just couldn't. I couldn't. I tried a few times but never got more than a few beats into the song before I had to shut it off.
Today I listened to it. I couldn't sing it, but I also didn't cry. Baby steps. Stutter steps. And I'm sure I'll crash down again. (That's kinda a given.)
But still, my soul was at peace.
I miss you, Aaron. I always will.
Love,
Mama
“Butterflies are like angel's kisses sent from heaven.”