Held

Dear Aaron,

As I sat in Sunday School yesterday, a painting caught my eye. I've seen it many times, but somehow yesterday, it spoke to me.

The expression on her face, the pain, the sorrow, the weariness and exhaustion, and yet a glimmer of hope. As she held His hands and felt His love, a sense of being seen as she truly was: a daughter of God and cherished by Him. 

Oh Aaron, it resonated within me. He knows our pain, He knows my pain, and He came to bring me hope and love, to see and understand me. 

July 4th brought fun times and memories. There was a flyover by Air Force fighter jets. Linnaea keeps calling them "fighter drones," I guess that goes with what she understands. Anyway, they flew south several miles to the west. We could see and hear them, but it was far away. And then as we came down the hill, they had circled over Pleasant Grove and were flying north, right over our heads! What a thrill! I remember running across the field, not much older than Linnaea is now, as the Thunderbirds flew at the Air Force Academy. It almost felt like I could reach up and touch them. These were higher, but still low enough that we watched them climb to clear Traverse Mountain.  

Hamburgers and hotdogs on the grill that evening and then fireworks at the park brought more fun times with the family. Linnaea and Barrett had a great time climbing up and down, and Barrett tried hard to catch the Black Hawk helicopters that circled over the valley. We made fun t-shirts for the grandkids with Linnaea's and Elend's hands, and Barrett's and Sterling's feet. Do you remember making the Four Seasons prints that hang in my office?   

The flowers in your garden are beautiful, except the clematis which is struggling. I have agonized over it; I didn't plant it well initially and have been fighting to keep it alive. It doesn't look well at all. This morning I dug down to the roots to check them out and they do seem to be okay, so I guess I'll just keep tending it and hope it comes up better next year. I'm told that it is a hardy plant and that even when it seems like it's "done" it can surprise you, maybe like you did.

You weren't "supposed" to live, and you went to the edge so many times that I think that's why when you did go it was such a surprise. You had cheated death so many times it didn't occur to me that this time would be different. So maybe this plant is more like you than I thought. It has been injured but is stronger than it looks. I hope so... 

I miss you, Aaron. I try to stay busy and mostly I succeed, but still, the underlying rhythm of life thrums with your absence. Like a white noise that sometimes fades into the background and is unnoticed but still there, it permeates the atmosphere. 

Except this is more like the absence of sound which still rings in my ears. 

So I will cling to His hands, knowing that He holds me, holds you. And maybe I'm also like the clematis, fighting to find my way in a world that no longer knows you. 

Miss you, Aaron.

Love you.

Love,

Mama

"You can find peace amidst the storms that threaten you."

-Joseph B. Wirthlin