Zinnias

Dear Aaron,

An old blogpost from August 2023 popped up today, and I followed it down a rabbit hole, of sorts. 

You were heading home from the hospital, Yay!!

It was a relatively short stay, only a few days and on the floor the whole time. And you'd been home for almost nine weeks, which was huge for that year. 

And then I kept reading, following it forward.  Home didn't last long, only a few days, and then you were back and it was kinda ugly. I started crying for that me that was in the ER. I remember it. They paged "urgent response, code red patient" as they quickly walked us back. The room was full, but they moved like a well-oiled machine. Hospital vent was wheeled in, they put in two large IVs and started fluids, and you flinched but otherwise didn't respond. X-rays were done and read immediately. Code status was verified, and there was real concern. But even as I went through the questions, I didn't realize how bad it was; how bad it would be in a few more months. 

At the time, it all felt routine, and somewhat wearying since we hadn't even been home a week. Today I cried for the loss of the innocence I had in those moments. And for the mom I am who now understands too much. 

Aaron, I continued reading your story over the next four months, and sobbed. I didn't know. Unknowing, unconscious, unaward and very much unacquainted with the grief that was coming.  Somehow, I was being nudged,prompted, whispered to, and maybe deep in my soul I knew something. I recognized you were getting more tired, and it was getting harder for you. But your smiles were still so genuine. 

I miss you so much. I ache for the me I was, knowing now what she didn't know then, and knowing what was coming for her. 

You gave us so much love, so much hope, so much life.

I remember acknowledging the miracles we'd already received, and begging for more. 

And then receiving one in your peaceful passing. It really was peaceful, even though my heart shattered. 

And the outpouring of love and support from around the world and close at home.

And being carried through the last 20 months, 87 weeks, way too many days, without you. 

Tonight Linnaea and Elend helped me cut zinnias from your garden to bring inside. Avanlee wrote me a beautiful poem about zinnias and gave me the seedlings for Mother's Day. I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to stand tall. Linnaea knows how to tell when a zinnia can be cut. You do the "wiggle" test, where you shake the stem, and if it stays firm, you cut it. But if the stem and flower wiggle back and forth, it needs to be left to grow more. 

I'm trying to stand firm. I'm trying to trust the process. Sometimes I think I'm still too wiggly, but at least I'm growing.

And growing can hurt. 

I love you so much, Aaron. 

I miss you.

Love,
Mama

her bloom gives hope,

and those who tread

find respite in

her garden bed

Avanlee Peterson