Living for Eden...

Dear Aaron,

Numb.

Seeking.

Searching.

Wondering if I'm the problem. If I'm looking in the wrong place. 

Even in the temple...

Do you remember the temple? We went a few different times to the grounds both in Salt Lake (usually with Michael during spring break) and here closer to home.

I'm trying but sometimes if feels like even with the car on and my foot on the gas pedal, I'm stuck.

But on Wednesday, your Michael said something that seemed so profound. "Instead going to The House of the Lord, make an appointment with the Lord in His House." (quoting Elder Bednar) That struck me, but it also felt awkward, stilted, mostly because I felt out of practice. But then, many, many things feel that way right now. Sometimes life seems to flow but often time feels jerky, racing ahead, stopping suddenly, and occasionally reversing.

So I tried. I saw a couple friends from the neighborhood, and that was nice, but still... I sat there and silently pleaded to know, to feel, to understand that He knows, He knows what I'm going through, dealing with, and that I'm not doing it wrong. And nothing. Even where I thought I would and often do feel it.

I sat in the Celestial room, still struggling. Dad came in and after a few minutes we stood to leave. As we passed a large group, a woman caught my eye. I haven't seen Tracy except maybe in passing in over 30 years. We lived near each other and were friends the first time Daddy and I lived in San Diego, back when David was born. She reached for me and held me, and I felt it. I felt His love surrounding me. My walls tumbled, my heart opened. 

I breathed.

Nine years ago I wrote about similar thoughts and pain. You were doing (relatively) well which gave my mind time to try to process; a painful procedure when you parent a medically fragile child. It was Conference weekend and I really didn't get much out of Saturday. But on Sunday, President Nelson spoke of Joy and finding it in the midst of any circumstances. That one hit and heaven's floodgates opened. 

Seeing Tracy opened my heart the same way.

There are still a lot of things going on that are, and will continue to be, super hard. The mom who was next to you the night you left me has now lost her baby girl. Two other little ones, a toddler and an infant, are critical. Child loss, losing you, is a pain beyond anything I ever could have imagined. 

But as I drove to work yesterday, "Living for Eden" was playing. The rising sun, the golden clouds, the birds flying in formation, they all reminded me of His love, and of your love. Life is such a beautiful gift.

I'm grateful for yours; I'm grateful for mine. I'm grateful for our amazing family and the chance to listen to the counsel from our leaders again this weekend. And I know I'll see you eventually. 

Love you so much, Aaron.

Save me a seat, 'k? 

Love,
Mama

"We all long for Eden, and we are constantly glimpsing it: our whole nature at its best and least corrupted, its gentlest and most human, is still soaked with the sense of 'exile'."

- J.R.R. Tolkien