We sat around the table tonight telling stories about you. We laughed and smiled, and for a moment it was almost like you were still here.
Your Andrew is engaged. He found an amazing woman who is so much his match. I think you'd love her, too. They're getting married in November, and it's the first wedding without you. I mean, I guess you missed Matthew and Kensey's wedding because you were still in the hospital, but you were discharged the day of their reception so you made it to that.
Time keeps moving on...
I was driving last night as the sun was going down, coming back north into the valley from the south end. The light hit our mountains just right so they seemed to glow. As I looked around I could see the mountains on every side, strong, immovable, comforting. Almost like I was being protected, and I thought of you. I remembered all the times I drove north to Salt Lake in the evening after school or work. I don't think I noticed them much then. I was always so focused on getting back to you, trying to figure out how to help you, hoping we could go home soon.
And ultimately, I guess we did both go home, just not to the same place. Eight-five weeks ago you went home to Heaven, and I drove home with Daddy.
The longest drive of my life...
It's been more than 18 months and most of the time, most of the time I'm okay. I remember you, tell stories, see pictures and it's okay. The pain is there, but it's quieter, maybe deeper, more a part of my soul and less obvious. But sometimes it breaks through and I'm lost all over again.
I was watching some short videos that Holli sent, and then looked back at others she had shared. The earlier ones, from the aquarium, playing with your blanket, doing math at school and laughing were so fun. But then there were some she sent me from school just a few months before you left. You were struggling, neurostorming was hard, and you looked so tired. Clear to the end, you maintained your spark and your zest for life, but you were done. Your spirit was so strong, but your body wore out.
I will never forget the last big wonderful smile, ten days before you left me. You were crashing and the room was full. You looked around and gave the biggest grin.
Were you saying goodby? Were you saying thank you? Did you know you were almost done with your race and could soon stop fighting?
The days are getting shorter, and the nights cooler. Not many weeks ago it would have still been light out but now it's almost completely dark. I'm sitting here with socks and a jacket, and fall and then winter will be here. We're more than halfway through the second year without you.
And tonight, it is just hard.
Miss you so much.
Love you even more.
Love,
Mama
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