Hi Aaron,
I'm sitting here in a (mostly) empty house (the dogs are here) listening to a piece called, "When David Heard". It's about when King David heard that his son Absolom had died, but it was written for a man whose son had been killed in an auto accident.It goes through so much of the grief process, the denial, bargaining, depression, intense sorrow, and I guess, acceptance to a degree.
It is a father crying out for their child that isn't here anymore.
It rips at me.
Oh, my son...
Will I always feel this tearing in my soul?
I'm looking back at blog posts, trying to find information for another mom, and I can see it now so clearly. You were tired, so tired. You fought for so long. And yet, I don't think we did "to" you, really I don't.
In fact, when I spoke with the attending who had been with us the night you left, she told me about seeing you leave the unit the previous time, just a few weeks earlier, seeing your smile, your joy. She said she would hold that image in her heart. The sight of you being happy, loving life.
You know, I actually made it home today, even driving past your grave, without crying. But then now...
I love you, Aaron. This pain born of suffering, I know I will grow, will learn, will progress. But oh, right now, it hurts.
unraveling my heart again piece by piece, reminding me why I still do
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