Monday, February 26, 2024

The Whole Trip

Ever have God reach out and metaphorically smack you? 

Or maybe He was trying to gently teach me?

That's probably more like it. It was gentle, but very impactful.

This weekend was Stake Conference. A bit bittersweet (like most things right now) because for the past 13 years, we've gotten a link to the February conference and watched at home. It was too dangerous to take you out to such a crowded place. You'd go in person in August, but not February. And this year, well, we were there and you were not. 

I didn't want to go. Honestly, if I hadn't already been dressed because of Mark's funeral that morning I probably wouldn't have. But I was and I did. Most of it went right past me, but then President Madson said something that really hit hard. "I can only see as far as the headlights, but I can make the whole trip that way."

I can make the whole trip that way...

I do okay with this most of the time. If I think about getting through the day or the week (I've progressed past minutes and hours, that's something) I can see that. Months are still hard. But the idea that it's going to be years and years, decades, until I see you again? That crushes me. 

But I can do a day at a time. 

I can only see as far as the headlights, but I can make the whole trip that way.

Then afterwards, I was talking to a friend (because who wants to fight traffic getting out of the lot anyway). She asked where you were and I was able to tell her. I told her I go by your grave almost every single night on the way home from work, and she said she does the same for her father's. He passed just over two years ago.  I told her I don't always get out; I don't even always stop. She said the same. It's almost like she's checking up on him. Me, too.

That conversation did so much to help normalize what I'm doing, feeling. I mean, I keep telling people there's no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve, but sometimes I wonder if I'm doing it "right." 

I guess if I'm still trying to move forward, keep living life while also honoring yours, I am.  

One step at a time...

"I can only see as far as the headlights, 
but I can make the whole trip that way."
Dennis Madson




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