February is Hard

Hey kiddo,

How are you? Are you playing? Singing? Jumping? Running?

I'll be honest, I struggle with February 11th. It was 14 years ago today that I was scheduled for the routine 20 week ultrasound.  I was so excited to see if you were a little boy or a little girl! I mean, I know they check other things, but that's the real excitement, right?

Yeah...

So. Much. More...

And it's been seven weeks since my world rocked again. I'm not sure any day in between hurt as badly as those two. 

We're coming up on two months since you were here, and 5000 days since you were born. Two years since your really bad admit when things were awful.

I miss you so much.

I'm listening to Jealous of the Angels and I am. I was looking through pictures of the last 5000 days, and I think I got pictures of you in front of the Christmas tree every single year, including 2014 when you spent Christmas in the PICU. Except this year. We got the tree up and everything, and I thought, "oh, I ought to just do it" but figured there was plenty of time.  

And there wasn't.

And there won't ever be another chance again.

And that's what hurts so bad. All the memories we won't make anymore. All those days and months and years until I see you again. 

I'm trying, Aaron, I really am. 

I want to honor you, your memory, your life. I don't really know what that looks like. 

So grateful to be your mom. 

My precious son...

“I miss the memories we’ll never have.”

 - Ranata Suzuki