How Do I Do This?

Dear Aaron,

Facebook reminds me of the posts I've written through the years.

It's May, the month of Mother's Day.

And Bereaved Mother's Day is the Sunday before.

Tomorrow.

And the annual Primary's memorial for the children who all died in the past year.

Died.

How????

I have shed so many tears throughout the years for my friends, mothers whose children are no longer earthside.

And now it's my turn.

I'm still not sure how to "do" this. 

The freedom to come and go, to not make plans ahead of time, or whatever.

I don't know what to do with this freedom. I feel untethered, like my rudder is missing and I drift in the wind.

Local colleges held commencement this week and last, and the University of Utah's was this week. I heard the news and went, "oh, okay" and went on with my day, not thinking about it again. 

For the past 13 years I knew when it was, what time, when they played home football games and many other events. 'Cause you know, Primary's is right up there too. I could see the stadium jumbotron from hospital windows. I took a quick trip down the road two years ago for Mary's graduation. And I knew, I knew that if we had an emergency my only hope of getting there without significant delay was to call an ambulance. So I knew traffic patterns and events and would make decisions about how he transported based on those as well as his own vitals. 

Not any more...

Today I laughed about you, and felt gratitude for your life, for being your mom, even peace.

But now it's dark, and I miss you. 

My heart hurts. Before December I didn't know that grief could cause physical pain. 

It does.

You flew off with the wings of my heart and left me flightless.
~Terri Guillemets