In My Heart

Dear Aaron,

I'm sitting here with a variety of feelings: grief, heartache, gratitude, peace, and love. Maybe most of all love.

I'm not even at home. I'm down in Arizona with Gramma and Grampa, but you probably know that. Gramma isn't doing well and Grampa needs help, too. Aunt Liz has been amazing but she shouldn't be shouldering the whole of it. When I got here yesterday, she'd been here since Wednesday. So I'll be here until Wednesday of this week and then we'll have to go from there. 

Gramma had fallen a couple times and Grampa wasn't able to get her up. Liz came in and helped, even figuring out why she'd fallen and helping me find everything I needed. She even had all the meds organized. 

Anyway, while I so wish you were still earthside, and I miss you with all my heart, I couldn't be here if you were. So kinda bittersweet.  

I don't know how many more Mother's Days I get with my mom. Given I'm on the other side of 50, it's pretty good odds I've had more than I have left. But at the same time, I do miss your siblings as well as you. It's quiet right now, and they life in a house I've only been to a few times in my life. But there's memories here anyway. The ceramic owl Gramma did way back when, maybe in Colorado, the swan painting I don't remember not looking at (Gramma said they got it when we were in Taiwan, so I was only 4). And some of her casserole dishes. They all bring me back to my childhood.  

I'm grateful to be here, grateful to be able to help. They've given me such a rich life, taught me so much. And, I'll be honest, I've told God I can't handle another loss right now so they need to stick around for, I don't know, forever?? 

But like you, I suspect that won't be the case. So I'll cherish what I do have now. 

Gramma gave me a bracelet with an inscription inside.  

The Day I Lost You, I Also Lost Me.
I've been trying to find myself again, but it's so hard.
It's hard because you were a huge part of my life.
Not having you here is so painful. I'm not just me anymore.

And then there's a delicate, beautiful ocean waves design on the outside, the part that others can see. 

I love that I can wear it, hold your memory close, but also not have it on display for everyone. I still carry my stone heart as well. 

Oh, baby, I miss you so much... 

Love you even more.

Love,
Mama

“When a parent dies, they are buried in the ground.

When a child dies, they are buried in the parent’s heart.”

– Proverb