Yesterday, Daddy, Mary and I went to Cedar City again, this time for Sarah's graduation. The weather was really rough.
We stopped on the way down to get squeaky cheese in Beaver. I have to tell you, they labeled it wrong. They claim it's actually "cheese curds" but I know they're wrong. (Great) Grandpa Brown was a prize-winning cheese maker and it's "squeaky cheese." When you bite into it, it squeaks, really!!
Graduation was great, a lot of fun! And we stopped to see my aunt, uncle and cousins before coming home.
Then coming home....
Were you with us?
It was hard! It was dark. The rain came down in torrents. It was hard to see the road when there weren't other cars around. When there were cars, or even better trucks, even with the wipers going full blast, it was almost impossible to see.
My whole body was tense; there was no way I was drowsy. Adrenaline totally kept me awake.
And I wondered if you were there, helping, guiding...
Were you?
I like to think you were, and I'm grateful.
Anyway, squeaky cheese = childhood, innocence, maybe you?
Then today was hard again. I don't seem to get more than a day or two that's good before it hits hard again. I mean, I still cry every day but it's not always sobs. Today just hurt again, a whole lot.
It's been 18 weeks, over four months. I waffle back and forth between realizing we were warned and whispered to over and over, and then knowing that, consciously at least, I really didn't see it coming. I didn't know that when I went to sleep I wouldn't see you awake again. It wasn't until your soul preparing to leave that I realized you weren't coming back.
I miss you so much.
Love you even more.
Love,
Mama
"But pain’s like water.
It finds a way to push through any seal.
There’s no way to stop it.
Sometimes you have to let yourself sink inside of it
before you can learn how to swim to the surface.”
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