It's starting to sink in, or through me, or something.
I'm learning to swim through the grief? Maybe?? (Swimming never was my favorite. I'm not very good at it.)
This loss, your absence, it still aches but it doesn't throb, at least as much as it used to.
For so long it was a stabbing, gut punching, visceral beating. It felt like it was coming from all sides, all around, relentless.
Now it soaks into me. Less violent, more melding with my soul, an infusion that binds with the marrow in my bones; less of an outside attack and more of an internal long-time battle scar, the kind that always bothers you but more during certain weather changes or exercises.
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| "Look for Me in Rainbows" |
This past week a client asked if she could ask me a question. I told her she could always ask whatever she wants and if I'm not comfortable answering, I'd tell her. She asked if I was okay. I thought and then said, "I think so most of the time, but not always. And then I break down and scream and cry, and give myself permission to do so. But yeah, it always hurts." She just nodded her head.
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| "Your sunshine lives with us forever." |
It's quiet. The dishwasher runs, the dogs are resting, Dad is on the computer (and I guess I am too.) We made it through another week at work and I'm starting to get back in the swing of things there. A friend stopped by yesterday and brought me a crystal hanging she had made for me with a reminder to "Look for me in rainbows." Rainbows only come after the storm. I'm so grateful to be surrounded by so much love.
I'm grateful for your love. You're still with me, everywhere. I wear butterflies, your reminders go with me. You are in my heart and I'll keep you there for always.
I miss you.
I miss you so much.
Love,
Mama
His shirt at the end says, "Life Is Beautiful."
I’ll stay there forever.”
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