How has it been two weeks already?
And yet, only two weeks?
It seems like both yesterday and forever.
This was my view two weeks ago tonight when I went to sleep only to be wakened less than two hours later.
And I won't sleep here ever again.
Who would have thought I would miss it? That "bed" where I spent so many, many nights over the last 13 1/2 years.
I guess if I had let myself think about it, I would have known I would miss it. But I wouldn't, couldn't go there.
And now, I am here.
My little boy. You closed your eyes in this world and woke up in a beautiful place, surrounded by family and friends.
Today I packed up your blankets and a bunch of other things that I had already stored haphazardly. I had these plans to get a bunch of things done, but I find that I can't. I don't want to push on through. So I do a little and decide that I'm going to sit and feel, and hurt. But in acknowledging that pain, that struggle, I give credence to my love for you and all that you mean to me. You are worth taking the time to remember, to reminisce over. Today I found the tiny blanket Gramma crocheted when you were first born, and the bigger one she made a little later. I caressed the two soft blankets Aunt Chelle made and outlined your newborn footprint a friend put on another blanket.
It's so cold outside, snowy and cold. I know that's just your body out there, but still, I buried you with the last weighted blanket I made for you, the one that says, "I love you" over and over and over again on it. It helps me to have it with you.
Be happy and warm, run and play.
I love you.
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