|One week apart, and yeah, the first one was earlier.|
My sweet husband orchestrated a very thoughtful lead-up to Mother's Day. Every day for the past 9 days (yep, nine kids, count 'em) I was given an envelope with a personal note from a child. Even my missionary in Canada sent one, and somehow I missed it coming through the door. Probably something to do with the craziness of my life lately that I missed the return address on a personal letter addressed to his dad.
I felt the love, and the reality. I even teased my 13 year old about his. He wrote a delightful poem in which he told me twice I was "the bomb." Now, I know that's used as a wonderful endorsement, but I did ask if that was because I was always "blowing up" lately. He grinned.
Anyway, back to life. I'm going to be real here. There's been some work going on in between my ears lately, hard work. And so much more to be done. It's been a rough week. Okay, a rough few months. Aaron is as happy as ever, but his body isn't quite as cooperative. I've been sick, a lot. I've missed out on so many things, sometimes because he's not stable, sometimes because I can't take the chance of passing along whatever the latest goo is that I've had. And it's hard. I miss being with people, I miss my friends. It's hard to tell my kids that yep, once again, something's not going to happen because we just can't take those chances with Aaron.
And then there's today. I got up and my nurse (fabulous nurse!) gave me report. He said we'd call it a "win" because we were still at home, and not in the hospital. Aaron slept all night last night, but he was still battling oxygen sats. When he's asleep is when we gain ground. Not last night. Nine to ten liters all night.
On Facebook, I found a sweet girl who lives down the road was LifeFlighted last night. Now, the paramedics in our area are all Advanced Life Saving certified, and they're all familiar with trachs and vents and such. They don't LifeFlight on a whim.
A woman at church who is battling her own set of challenges stopped me and laughed and talked about how God uses our situations to teach us patience. I think in my case, He knew he needed a 2x4 to hit me over the head with.
This thing we call life is HARD! Really hard!! And sometimes it hurts. Sometimes we feel left out, alone, abandoned, like no one else quite gets it. And frankly, they don't. But that's okay. And that's my new mantra, my new song, literally.
Piano Guys has a song, "It's Gonna Be Okay" that puts it all together. They don't paint a picture of roses and sunsets. It's real, it's raw. Yeah, "doubt is a broken record that plays inside my head," "So many times now I was supposed to tap out, all the walls would fall down around me." Reality.
BUT it's going to be okay, really. "No matter what [I've] been through, here [I] am ... no matter if [I] think [I'm] falling apart, It's gonna be okay." Yep, it is. Love the saying, "My track record for getting through bad days (weeks, months, years?) so far is 100%, and that's pretty good."
So I'll keep on working on those thought processes, work on remembering who I am, what I stand for, who I'm in this fight for. It's gonna be okay. And if you need help, too, listen to the song, turn the volume up high, and dance like no one is watching. (And if they are, maybe they'll dance, too.)