One Year...

Dear Aaron,

I made it through the year. 

One year since I've seen your face, kissed your nose, run my fingers through your hair.

One year ago today we closed your casket and something irreparable broke inside of me. 

I had meant to give you a haircut. It was getting so long again but there just hadn't been time between hospital visits and work and the holidays. No worries, I'd do it in the long lazy days between Christmas and New Years.

Now I'm grateful it hadn't happened. We have a couple locks we cut off that sit in your room. Whispy, dark and somewhat long. Memories...

A year ago I didn't think I could do this; not that I had any choice. I'm still not sure how to move forward, but I look back and realize that in spite of all the pain and anguish (and they are still so real!!) I have.

We move into yet another year in a couple of days. Another year that won't know you this side of heaven. 2024, 2025, and so on...  

You and Gramma now hold each other and I cherish the day that I see both of you again. I'll keep your memories alive here until I join you. Your pictures now bring smiles more than tears, although the tears are never far away. The butterfly suncatcher Gramma gave me last year hangs on the door, my nativities are scattered through the house. Your Santa hat lies on top of your hospital gown still draped on the chair in my room, your angel hangs on my rearview mirror. The plants we were given dot the house and both offices where I work. Your four seasons paintings and Gramma's butterflies are on the walls in one office while some of your toys and the windchimes she gave me are at the other. You are both with me and I cherish that connection.

I still can't fathom how we get through the years before we're together again, but my headlights are on and I know Who lights the way, so I guess I just keep going with faith that I will find the road.

Love you, little man.

Miss you so much.

Love,
Mama

Through many dangers, toils and snares,

I have already come

'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,

And grace will lead me home.

 -John Newton