One Bite at a Time

Dear Aaron,

I sit here in bed as the world slowly turns from night into day again. 

Another week gone, 37 now.

The days are getting shorter; the shadows in the cemetery are longer when I go by.

Does it ever make sense?

I mean, it somehow does get a little easier. 

I don't look for you each time I pass your room anymore, just sometimes. 

I don't wake up worried that I missed an alarm every night, just some of them. 

I distract myself with books, family, shows but you're still there with me, a part of me, always in my mind. 

Last Monday, Daddy and I drove to eastern Utah to see a family who lost their own son. They lived in the neighborhood several years ago and I will always remember his cheeky grin, his infectious toddler laugh which, from looking at pictures, never changed. I took her a stone heart like the one I carry, and she asked how I knew. She had told him that every time she saw a heart, she would think of him. I didn't know, but especially in the early days and weeks, that's what kept me grounded, from flying apart at every moment. I pray it helps bring her comfort too. 

Yesterday, Facebook gave me the gift of a long-ago picture. I forgot about this one, but my heart did not.

I don't remember which of your siblings I bought this elephant for, but it was pretty much ignored. By the time they were big enough to really do much with it, they were moving and grooving, and much too busy exploring other things. But you loved it! In fact, you loved it so much it became real, you know, in a Velveteen Rabbit sort of way. 

They say the way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. I think you took that to heart. You endured so many, many things over your lifetime, and yet you just kept going as long as you could. I truly believe that you stayed around a lot longer than your frail body wanted to by sheer force of your spirit (and my refusal to give you up). 

And I guess now it's my turn. I will get through this and grow, just like you did, just like eating an elephant...

One bite at a time.

But I have to say, chewing on that leather is just hard.

Love you so much,
Mama

We belong to each other, and we can do hard things.

~Glennon Doyle