Joseph's Birthday

Dear Aaron,

It's Joseph's birthday today. The last of the July birthdays, the last of the boys' first birthdays without you.

There were five of us, and yours was also supposed to be in July. That would have made number six in our family for a single month. David and Jonathan were in March, Andrew in May. We just have your sisters' birthdays left. Deborah in October and Mary two days before you left us.

Birthdays seem weird to me this year. Will they always? I don't know. Maybe the numbness wears off. Maybe the sadness tinged with joy reverses and becomes joy tinged with sadness. Maybe I have no idea how it all works out over time.

I just know I miss you.

I was asked to gather some pictures of you today from the course of your lifetime. They did make me smile, but I don't know if the smile reached my heart. 

Joseph is in southern Utah and provides ground clearance support for wildfires. There's plenty of those burning. I pray you watch over him, I don't know what I would do if I lost another child. 

Oh Aaron, I miss you. We almost lost you the week before your 13th birthday, but then you stayed for six more months. I wish it could have been six more years, or longer. 

The weather is cooling a bit. Oh, I expect the temps will rise again before fall comes, but the sun rises later and sets earlier. It was much more comfortable for longer this morning and earlier this evening. The cold, dark days of winter are coming, and with it your angelversary. 

The leaves will turn colors and fall from the trees. The hummingbirds I watch each evening will migrate south. And snow will come and blanket your grave again. 

I almost feel like I'm on the outside of life looking in. I'm starting to see the patterns but without you they seem empty. 

I love you, little man. Be close, to all of us.

Love,
Mama

"Those we love and lose are always connected by heartstrings into infinity.” 

— Terri Guillemets