15 Halloweens

Aaron-delorian, showing us The Way

Dear Aaron,

It's Halloween. 

In past years, it was my deadline for people to have their flu shots. Honestly, this year I don't know who has and who hasn't. I know I've had mine, and Michael got his before ging to Arkansas. I just don't know about anyone else.

I look back through the years. Three times you were in the hospital, and a couple more you were kinda sick here at home. Frankly, out of all the holidays, Halloween takes the cake (or candy?) if you have to be inpatient. 

I think you only got to go out trick or treating once, in 2012. You wore the clown costume that each of the older kids wore. I hadn't allowed myself to even consider that you might be able to, but you did. 

And last year, you were a Mandalorian, or as Dad calls you, the Aaron-dalorian. You showed us The Way. Frankly, you were so, so sick that we didn't actually even put it on you, just draped it over you. 

Trick-or-Treat, what a treat 2012 was

I had to laugh at myself as I went through the pictures and found the year that I held a full-blown argument with myself over whether or not you should go to school. You were not quite better from being sick, but "it's Halloween! You have to be there!" And the other side of my brain replied, "He doesn't care." "But I care!" ('Cause you know that's the most important thing, right?) Anyway, I did finally decide to be reasonable and kept you home, and when you did go, you wore your costume then, my little Superman. 

You were Superman, and a clown, and The Boy Who Lived (and lived and lived, until you didn't). You were a minion, and a pumpkin. 

Tonight, Rachelle Adams brought by your flowers, the domes for your siblings, two ornaments, and the large arrangement they put together from your funeral.  

You are my hero, my example, in all your forms.

I miss you. I love you.

Love,
Mama

15 Halloweens... 

"And so you haunt me. Always with me, you are the invisible diner at our table, the constant presence that trails me as I go about my daily routine.... In the darkness of a closed-lidded world, you are alive and vital, unchanging, mine. You are the ghost of everything that once was lovely... a shadow casts its majesty over everything that remains..."

~Samantha Bruce-Benjamin