Grief...

Dear Aaron,

Grief is messy.
And confusing.
And exhausting.
And hard.
And stupid.

Except, grief also means

Love.
You.
Joy.
Heartache.
Missing you.
Grateful you were part of my life.
And grateful you are still part of me, of our family.

All the lessons you taught me.

Laughter.

Resilience.
Perseverance.
Compassion.
Empathy.

So...

I don't know.

I know that I've been confused and less aware lately. Daddy asked me to bring home chips the other day. I asked what kind (you know I prefer tortilla chips). He said "potato." I brought home Doritos, and it didn't even register that they weren't potato chips until a few hours later. Don't worry, I did actually manage to grab potato chips today.

Simba has never escaped on me. Not out the garage, not out the front door, and not out the back before we had a fence. Guess what... Yeah. This morning I opened the front door to water the plants on the porch and he did. And so did Sophie. She came right back. He enjoyed a jaunt through who knows where for about two hours. 

Yeah... 

I wrote earlier about wondering if perhaps this was all just a very long, very bad dream. (It's not.) A few days ago I wondered if you had been a very long, hard but wonderful dream. If our lives with you were not quite real. I'm grateful to know that is also not correct. But briefly, that's where my mind went. 

Sometimes it seems surreal, all those cares, hospital stays, people I interacted with so closely and now haven't seen for several months. 

It's hard.

I miss you.

Love,
Mama

"Pain is the great teacher of mankind. Beneath its breath souls develop."

~Marie Dubsky