Rough Days and Mountains

Dear Aaron,

It's been a, well, I don't know what to call it, crazy? couple of days. 

Most of the stories aren't mine to tell, but it's been rough, mentally and emotionally. I find myself using my skills and training not only to "be with" others but also for myself.  

And then there's the cars...

BOTH the Crown Vic and Andrew's car went down, within 24 hours of each other!! Who knows what happened with the Crown Vic. I guess it just wanted a tow, 'cause once it was towed, it was fine. Sigh...

Andrew's car is frankly not safe to drive, probably hasn't been but he didn't know that. So we've been playing musical cars. But tonight he found one that he really liked, and the Crown Vic seems to be behaving at the moment. And tomorrow I drop off the title for Andrew's and it will be headed to a junk yard, so there's that.

But it's been rough, hard, unsettling at the very least. 

Are you here? Have you been aware? Helping?

I think you must have been, at least it makes me feel better to think so.

And today, man, I feel like I was in the car all day. Up to Salt Lake, back home again, down to south Provo and home. Back to Salt Lake, home, and then to Orem. And then before and after dinner, two trips to David's. But the thing is, I was there, able to help Andrew and Michael, be present. And I recognize that if you were still here with us, it would have been much harder on them.

They learned to do without me so many times because you needed me. And they learned to be with you. They made sacrifices because they love you and know you were and are worth it. But I think it's also good that I can be there with them now, too. 

I went to your site to return your temporary marker and your flowers, and found that the ground above you was scalped again. Oh, it hurts. I talked to a guy that's working there and he's going to try to make some adjustments, but honestly, there needs to be dirt removed from below the grass so it's not mounded so much. 

I feel like I'm complaining a lot here; I guess I am. 

But it's not all bad. Music from my playlist soothes my soul. As Andrew and I drove home, the
mountains stood out in stark relief against the sky, with the rays of the setting sun hitting them directly, and it was so beautiful that it took my breath away. 

We live in such a beautiful world. I love the strength of the mountains, how they remind me that I can be strong, too. I won't give up. I want you to be proud of me. We will keep moving forward. 

And I know you'll be there with us.

Love,
Mama

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.

Psalm 121:1-2