Processing

Dear Aaron,

There's so much in that word.

Processing...

I'm training in EMDR this weekend, the second half, and it's pretty intense. 

Most things related to your life bring smiles, and then tears because you're gone. (I still struggle to realize your smile and laughter won't ever be seen again in this world.) But most feelings are okay, even good.

However, there are some sights and sounds that can really set me off.

Most people would think that Lifeflight would be one, or maybe vent or pulse/ox alarms. Both your Lifeflights were okay for me. We got you into a good spot before leaving and they were smooth. And the stupid alarms, well, exposure to them was waaaay overdone. I mean, they were part of the background noise. Most ambulance rides were, too.

Most...

But there were some, a few, where we went lights and sirens. Those were the ones where I put off calling, or didn't realize earlier that you were in trouble. And since you passed, sirens have been very triggering. In the moment, I didn't have time to stop and think about it. I mean, I was bagging, we were pushing meds, we were working to keep you stable, or stable-ish. 

But more and more, sirens have been hard.

So today, because we have to practice in training, and we only have each other to practice on, I figured I'd take advantage and get some free therapy.

Oh, boy...

There were a lot of feelings that came up. It was hard work! 

But Aaron, it worked! I got to where the image of those lights rotating on the jersey barriers, the memory of the sirens, well, they're okay. 

I know you loved me, and love me, and trust me. And the paramedics and me and you, we made a good team. 

And I did what I could with the knowledge and skills and tools I had. 

And I am enough.

I am enough.

So are you.

But still, I miss you. I guess that's okay. 

'Cause I love you.

Love, 
Mama

"Live every moment, laugh every day ... love beyond words"