Me and Frodo

Nine months old

“Are you in pain, Frodo?' said Gandalf quietly as he rode by Frodo's side.

'Well, yes I am,' said Frodo. 'It is my shoulder. The wound aches, and the memory of darkness is heavy on me. It was a year ago today.'

'Alas! there are some wounds that cannot be wholly cured,' said Gandalf.

'I fear it may be so with mine,' said Frodo. 'There is no real going back. Though I may come to the Shire, it will not seem the same; for I shall not be the same. I am wounded with knife, sting, and tooth, and a long burden. Where shall I find rest?'

Gandalf did not answer.”

There are some wounds which do not heal. There are some experiences which change us fundamentally.

You did that, my son.

Oh, it's not necessarily a bad thing. I'm a much better person than I was before you came. And I think, I hope, I have learned even more since you left. Yet that ache, that hole in my soul, I don't think it will ever fully heal. I am wounded, not mortally, but significantly. And sometimes injuries last a lifetime. I hope that the stars will shine through those holes in me. It will have to be the stars, not the sun, because I don't think I look that different than I did before. And frankly, I don't feel "sunshiney." It's a softer light, a quieter light. Maybe even a dimmer light?

But maybe, maybe it is just enough to light the path for me, and perhaps others who are looking as well. Frodo did not return a conquering hero, not in the eyes of those of the Shire. That was Merry and Pippin. He was different, a bit strange. But he was allowed to go to Eressëa where he could find peace of mind. I hope I find that magical place, too. But until then, I think there will always be a part of me that hurts, that misses you, until I get to see you again. Today you would have been 13 3/4 years old; your nine month birthday. I love you so much, my little man.

“May it be a light to you in dark places, when all other lights go out.”

- J.R.R. Tolkien