Are you speaking to me?
Sometimes it just hurts so bad, I miss you, I miss you so much!
It's actually been a couple days since I really broke down, but right now, it's hard to see through the tears.
Aunt Patty and Aunt Terry sent me wind chimes. I remember as a little girl sitting on Grandma Mary's porch in Denver listening to all of her wind chimes. Grandma Mary is your great-great grandma, my great grandma, and their grandma. Do you hang out with her? She was one gutsy lady, but so loving too.
So I love wind chimes. They remind me of family, of childhood and of unbreakable bonds.
And as I sit here, hurting, aching with missing you, I can hear them in the wind, and it almost seems a gentle chiding.
A verse is inscribed on them:
A limb has fallen from the family tree
That says grieve not for me.
Remember the best times, the laughter the song,
the good life I lived while I was strong.
I was looking through medical records and I had forgotten so much. I'd forgotten that after your pretty rough first year, we found a more even keel. You frequently went four to six months without a hospitalization, one time nine months. And some of those interruptions were for planned surgeries and procedures. It all came to a screeching halt in February of 2022. Over the next 22 months, you were hospitalized for 200 days, and with not much time in between stays, not really.
But my son, before that, you were so spunky, so vibrant, so energetic! And even after, you were strong, courageous, and found joy in life.
I don't cry for you. I cry for me. It's been two months tonight since I last saw you awake. I thought we had more time. I really thought we'd spend another Christmas in the PICU and then come home. I had occasionally thought about your funeral (but not in a long time). I never imagined finalizing your headstone.
I miss you so much...
"Remember the good times, the laughter, the song,
The good life I lived while I was strong."
Author Unknown
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