Decorating Helps Me

Years ago I tried to leave your Chirstmas tree up year round with the idea that I would decorate it seasonally. I think I "might" have made it through fall, maybe Halloween, but I know by the second year, it went months and months without changing, and I decided to stop.

I mean, you were here, and you were staying. 

And I'd gotten to the point where I was planning for life and not death. 

I expected you to be here, pretty much forever, mostly...

I mean, I knew, sorta, kinda, that you wouldn't be, but still... 

And now you're not. 

So yesterday I stopped and bought Valentine's decorations for your grave. (How is that even a sentence?)

It helps me, really. I actually bought for Valentines, St. Patricks, and Easter. And a couple of solar lights, too.

I had stopped at the cemetery a week or so ago at night and it was soooo dark. I mean, it is a cemetery, but still. I had to use a flashlight to find you. That hurt. 

This morning I went by before going to work and put your things out. Tonight I drove by again and there it was, shining in the night. 

It does my mama heart so much good to be able to find you in the dark. 

Life seems so dark without you, having that little bit of light gives me hope. I know, in both my heart and mind that you're okay, you're more than okay. You are free, happy, able to run and shout and sing. 

You aren't there, not really. That's just your earthly shell, but I love that earthly shell as well. So I will tend your grave because I can no longer tend to you. 

And we're still working on your permanent marker. 

“Those we love and lose are always connected by heartstrings into infinity.”

— Terri Guillemets